Thursday 29 June 2000

Pic of the day: Bad Sex Dream. (A special thanks to the ad hoc rag doll.)

Warning: If you are a child, do not read today's diary! The same for Smith's Friends and other innocents (if any). Please come back another day instead. Thank you!

Bad sex dream

OK, why would I write this at all? Well, because if I dreamt something heroic, I would certainly write about it. And I do not want to pass myself off as a man without fault and blemish, that would make me a hypocrite. I have been that more than enough already. So for my own future looking back (if indeed I have such a future) and for those who want to truly know another human, I must include something as disturbing as this. I am sure it would be disturbing to some, at least.

I was dreaming in the morning. The dream started innocently enough: I had written a message to an online message board [clue 1] and one reader pointed out that the last part of my message was messed up. Indeed, it was: I had written the last (long) sentence in Norwegian instead of English. I set about to correct it, but I felt very clumsy with the words. And it did not get better because the English-speaking reader had come to my workplace to personally complain. Eventually I posted a correction and dismissed the visitor.

However, it was late in the day, after closing hours. And I heard as the visitor walked down the corridor, sounds like attempts to open the doors. I understood that this character was not honest, but was trying to steal either information or objects from our workplace. I hurried after, and arrived just as the visitor was engaged in a hand-to-hand fight with Mona, a female coworker who often work late. The visitor was also female, but rather androgynous and very bland in all respects, with no distinguishing features. [clue 2]

I hastily assisted my coworker and overpowered the thief, then forcibly marched her (the thief, of course) back to my office. There I (still with brute force) bent her over the seat of my office chair and proceeded to tie her fast with ropes. I also tied her hands on her back, but lacking enough rope I used a long sock for that.

As the intruder was securely bound, I noticed that I had developed an almost painful erection. I freed my male member from the clothes and to my shock saw that it had swollen to about three times it previous maximal size. Now, I'm not generously endowed in this area really, but still this was one freaking huge cock, unnatural and inhuman. [clue 3] And my foreskin hurt, as it was stretched to near breaking. I carefully adjusted it, and suddenly the penis head came free and extended even a bit further, adding to the grotesque sight. The whole thing seemed to vibrate with unconstrainable energy, as if it had a will of its own.

I had a feeling that this was all very wrong and something terrible was about to happen. I thought, or perhaps I said it out loud: "No! Make it stop! Make it stop!" And then I woke up. (And you know the funny thing? When I woke up, I did not even have a full erection. Just a state of semi-readiness.)

***

Now I am well aware that many men are sexually aroused by constraining and dominating women (or sometimes men). Indeed, an "e-pal" and I had discussed this among other topics. She said that it was her experience that those who were into BDSM (Bondage/ Domination Sadism/ Masochism) tried to pass it off as being on some higher plane, that it made them extraordinary, lifting them up above common people in some way. I know that I found that idea strange and meaningless. As they depend on other people conforming to their will, they are certainly not on a higher plane. Energy like water flows from higher to lower, and so those who depend on others to fulfill their wishes must necessarily live on a lower plane.

Yet all the clues fell together to show that the dream commented exactly on what she had said. The tying up of the would-be thief and the following sexual arousal. The blandness (ordinaryness) of the other and the exaggerated, unusual, supernatural change in myself. And of course the reference to an online message board in the start of the dream pointed me quickly in the direction of the e-mail exchange. It all made sense. Except ... why?

I am not sure still. Was the message from my subconscious that I am like them? I don't actually know if I would gain sexual pleasure from such actions in real life. Because in real life I don't do that. And I'm certainly not about to start now!

It has occured to me that there may be a more symbolic message here. That I, like those BDSM types, try to pass myself off as living on a higher plane. Being special and above ordinary people. I certainly feel special, as in different. The haughtiness I have tried to do something about, but I guess it remains wherever I have not yet seen it. Oh, I'm so special! I'm like the Pacific while other people are like swimming pools! I'm so deep and so wide and so much greater than others ... is that how I really think?

"A man's beliefs can not be determined from his creed, but from the assumptions on which he habitually acts." (I'm not sure this is exactly the wording, but pretty close. I've of course forgotten who said it, too. I read it at the start of a science fiction novel, long ago.)