Coded green.

Thursday 1 September 2005

Screenshot anime Mahoraba

Pic of the day: Like a monastery garden ... sheltered from the world, filled with peace, glowing with the warm light from above... It would have been so nice, if I were here by my own free will.

Withdrawal

I have this weird feeling, like I have moved into a monastery. Withdrawn from the world. Not entirely a hermit or in solitary confinement, but so restricted, so limited, that the noise of the world has faded to a distant buzz, no longer quite concerning me. The world exists, and I briefly visit it, but not long enough that it can seep into me. It just rolls off me, and then I am back here in the monastery. Except I did not really volunteer for that. Or did I?

It occurs to me that this change is only an acceleration of a much longer process, one that has gone on for years. Withdrawal can mean different things. One is withdrawal from a pleasure drug I have depended on for a long time, which is scaringly close to what ADSL has been for me. But the other is withdrawing from something, gradually distancing myself, which is what I have done with most of the world.

***

For some years, my strong friendship with SuperWoman kept me tied to the human world, even though I scorned it in my heart. Gradually I realized that she did not and never would share my feelings in that regard. She was at home there like a fish in water. I was at home there like a guy in scuba gear. There were many pretty things to see and interesting experiences to be had. But it was not home for me. It was not a place where I could rest. It was not the life I was meant for. Buying new clothes even though the old were not worn out, new perfumes (at least I didn't use mascara...), traveling to places just to see them without having anything important to do there. Not to mention the regular (but moderate) alcohol consumption. All the stuff that humans think of as the "good life". I felt more and more estranged from it.

After our connection frayed into nothingness, I kept fading, more rapidly in most regards. I still maintained a strong online presence, but even in the online games I have lately played alone for the most part. I never really played to meet women (although I had heard this could happen in EverQuest, which incidentally I never got to run and was almost killed in the process). City of Heroes is mostly about blowing stuff up and such anyway, with very little time to sit and watch the sunrise. (Besides, the city zones are surrounded by force field walls which really take the romance out of sunrises most places.)

***

Now that the pleasure drugs of online games and anime have been withdrawn from me, I notice intensely how alone I am. And it makes me feel restless and doubtful, like Leonard Cohen says in his song (Sisters of Mercy): "When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned." But, well, I do feel holy somewhat too. Or rather I feel a pull toward holiness, so strong that it surprises me.

The borderlines of sin seem to have moved outward. The small everyday dubious pleasures are now in a different light. For instance looking at women to admire them, which I have generally considered harmless and perhaps even a good thing. I'm not talking about the looks where you invoke fantasies about the marital arts, or the eye-touches that stir the body. It's an admiration similar to looking at the rainbow or a flower, but it is still gender-specific and probably not something you'd do to close relatives. This used to be OK, now it feels creepy. Likewise shopping for fun things I don't need ... it feels not so much guilty as inappropriate, like calmly trying on clothes in a shop hit by a terrorist attack earlier in the day, where the bloodstains of the dead and wounded have still not been entirely scrubbed away. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I can do it, and a part of me wants to, but it just doesn't feel right. The time for doing these things is over.

A part of me chafes at the isolation. But a part of me wants to stay in this safe, peaceful place for the rest of my life. When my broadband connection to the world opens again, will I be able to retain the peace in the middle of the freedom?


Yesterday <-- This month --> Tomorrow?
One year ago: 2 months till NaNoWriMo
Two years ago: Bread and circuits
Three years ago: My day in Hibernia
Four years ago: Graven images
Five years ago: Not that easy
Six years ago: On this day

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