{"id":1110,"date":"2009-08-25T21:45:08","date_gmt":"2009-08-25T20:45:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/?p=1110"},"modified":"2009-08-28T07:39:22","modified_gmt":"2009-08-28T06:39:22","slug":"alone-but-not-alone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/2009\/08\/25\/alone-but-not-alone\/","title":{"rendered":"Alone but not alone"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"di0908025\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Don’t worry! We are not alone. Well, I guess that depends on how you see it. \u00c2\u00a0This entry owes its existence to me watching another anime where someone says “Don’t fear, you are not alone” as if this was a perfectly reasonable thing to be afraid of.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is a kind of recurring topic, I guess. Or at least I have written about it more than once. \u00c2\u00a0But I think it can take another round, because it is so alien to most people. \u00c2\u00a0I mean, if some blogger writes that he is gay, or that he is afraid of dogs, or that he uses a wheelchair, those are all unusual; but they still fit into categories that already exist in your mind. \u00c2\u00a0But if I say that I prefer a life of \u00c2\u00a0near solitary confinement, there just is no mental category for that.<\/p>\n

“Single” doesn’t even begin to approach it. “Celibate” is mostly about sexual abstinence, or at least that is how people think of it. \u00c2\u00a0“Hermit” is someone who lives out in the woods without electricity. \u00c2\u00a0 I don’t do that. \u00c2\u00a0I go to work like a good office rat, I just avoid the watercooler. \u00c2\u00a0Whenever possible I just work with the computers, although I have no fear of my coworkers: \u00c2\u00a0I will approach them when needed to get a job done. \u00c2\u00a0They are nice enough people. \u00c2\u00a0But to compete with solitude you need to be truly great. Amazing, really. There have not been many such people in my life. (And I probably wasn’t all that amazing in their lives either.)<\/p>\n

The confusing thing is that I am not alone when I am alone. \u00c2\u00a0Well, almost never. I have experienced feeling truly alone and abandoned, and it was hellish beyond any physical pain I can remember. I can easily understand why people will \u00c2\u00a0cut or even burn themselves to try to drive away the pain in the soul, but I doubt it works for long. Luckily, for me those were just brief episodes, albeit episodes that had a lasting effect on my life. Not that I would want to have that kind of lesson taught me again if I can avoid it.<\/p>\n

To once again invoke Happy Science and the books by Ruyho Okawa, they assume that each of us have at least one guardian angel. \u00c2\u00a0Usually these days there is also a second angel, a guiding angel. \u00c2\u00a0I am honestly not sure if that is the Presence I experience each day, or whether that is actually God, or even some part of myself – but if so, it is far more than my better half: It is towering above me intellectually and ethically. \u00c2\u00a0It is hard to imagine how I would end up in charge of my body, how I would end up being the ego, the conscious one, if my subconscious held someone like that. \u00c2\u00a0Yet the Presence does not try to depose me and take control of my body – though it may occasionally influence it to halt me in my tracks if I am going dangerously wrong – but generally it is more like a saintly, tolerant older brother. \u00c2\u00a0(I know this because I actually have a saintly, tolerant older brother, although we did not spend that much time together. \u00c2\u00a0It is not a memory of him I experience, but there are certain similarities.)<\/p>\n

I may get back to this topic. It is quite fascinating. \u00c2\u00a0But for now, let us just accept the fact that when I am alone, I don’t feel alone. \u00c2\u00a0It is not just that I don’t feel lonely. \u00c2\u00a0Rather, there is a distinct experience or at least assumption of Presence. \u00c2\u00a0Sometimes it is definitely more of an experience, while at other times I just take it for granted.<\/p>\n

It seems a bit unfair, I guess, albeit in my favor. \u00c2\u00a0While the voices in some people’s head say “Stab someone with a knife! Stab someone with a knife! Stab someone with a knife!”, mine says “The spaghetti is finished” or “Don’t just lie there and pray, go call a doctor.” (OK, so that was only once, but the spaghetti is pretty common.) Much of the time the Presence is not even close to speaking. \u00c2\u00a0It may illuminate something I read so that I understand it with unexpected clarity, or remind me of something I heard long ago. \u00c2\u00a0Or it may simply be there, quietly keeping an eye on me while I do my own things, or listening while I try to sort out my thoughts.<\/p>\n

Women are definitely more sexy, but in pretty much any other regard they draw the short stick over and over. \u00c2\u00a0There is simply no way to compete with someone who is closer to me than my own skin, nearly as much a part of my life as the beating of my heart. \u00c2\u00a0Well, unless you’re the one Chris de Burgh sings about in his ballad Forevermore<\/em>:<\/p>\n

You are my lover,
\nyou are my friend,
\nyou are my life to the very end.
\nYou bring me comfort,
\nyou keep me warm,
\nyou give me hope,
\nyou make me strong.
\nYou take me away to a distant shore,
\nand it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s with you that I want to stay
\nforevermore.<\/em><\/p>\n

Forever is a long time. But I don’t mind, if it is like this. In truth, the main reason I am afraid of death is that I hear from so many that there is some kind of justice in the Hereafter, and I fear that this means I will have to part with my undeserved companion. If it were the other way around – if I were alone now but the Presence was waiting for me on the Other Shore – well, it is hard to say something like this for sure when Death is not breathing down my neck, but I think I would cross over with some semblance of dignity at least. But that is not how it is. Unfortunately for my death, but very fortunately for my life, I already have here something that others hope for in the afterlife.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Don’t worry! We are not alone. Well, I guess that depends on how you see it. \u00c2\u00a0This entry owes its existence to me watching another anime where someone says “Don’t fear, you are not alone” as if this was a … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1110","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-autobiography","category-religion"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1110","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1110"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1110\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1122,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1110\/revisions\/1122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1110"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1110"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1110"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}