{"id":1290,"date":"2009-10-04T23:49:55","date_gmt":"2009-10-04T22:49:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/?p=1290"},"modified":"2009-10-05T00:41:23","modified_gmt":"2009-10-04T23:41:23","slug":"a-glimpse-of-the-scythe","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/2009\/10\/04\/a-glimpse-of-the-scythe\/","title":{"rendered":"A glimpse of the scythe"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"di091004\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I hope you will see the irony of using this screenshot from Sims 3 to illustrate this entry. On the other hand, I am highly unlikely to send you any photographs when it eventually is my turn.<\/em><\/p>\n

I was sitting peacefully in front of my computer when suddenly my vocal cords locked up, or that’s how it felt. For a few seconds, I could neither breathe nor make a sound. Finally I managed to clear my throat enough to breathe again. \u00c2\u00a0My voice is still strange and kind of thick, and I feel like I need to clear my throat, but there is nothing there, just my throat getting more sore the more I attempt to clear it. So I try to just let it be, as much as I can.<\/p>\n

When something like this happens, it reminds me that each day literally could be the last. I generally don’t think or act \u00c2\u00a0like that, literally I mean. \u00c2\u00a0If I thought like that, I would not buy extra groceries on Friday or Saturday, because I would not expect to live on Sunday. \u00c2\u00a0I would never sign up for any kind of subscription, since I would be dead before I could use it.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, I wonder if I am not still taking it too far in the other direction. In theory, I am opposed to killing time – time is my life, after all. But in practice I do a lot of stuff for fun, like playing computer games. Well, mostly that, but some other things too. \u00c2\u00a0I just don’t take life all that seriously while there seems to be a lot of it. \u00c2\u00a0That’s a human trait, but there are still some humans who manage to break out of it.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I guess it is not certain that I will even have the chance to say goodbye. \u00c2\u00a0Of course, that holds for others too. \u00c2\u00a0Perhaps I should try to live a little more as if this was THEIR last day too. \u00c2\u00a0If I’m around to do that, I mean.<\/p>\n

I’m still nervous about the whole dying bit. \u00c2\u00a0A part of me still fears that I will have to pay in the afterlife for the fun I have had as an ego in this life. \u00c2\u00a0Actually the theology of that is somewhat uncertain, but it is a widespread belief that there must be justice in the world, and if justice is not brought in this life, it will come in the next. \u00c2\u00a0I hope not, in a manner of speaking. Because I have had a lot of awesome years, and I would really be in trouble if I had to spend my afterlife contemplating what I could have done to help others instead. \u00c2\u00a0Even without fire and pitchforks, it would hardly be pleasant. \u00c2\u00a0As it is, all I can hope is that whoever and whatever God is, I will be forgiven because God knew from the get go that I wasn’t better than this, and did not expect me to be in practice. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!”<\/p>\n

Anyway, once the Reaper’s scythe is out of sight, the pull of my ordinary fun life is back. And I guess it does not actively hurt anyone. But should that really be my highest aspiration? \u00c2\u00a0I don’t honestly think so. \u00c2\u00a0But it may be the only one I have fulfilled reasonably well so far. When I think about the murderous rage that used to be in my life, I guess doing no harm is something, if it lasts. \u00c2\u00a0Still, I would like to set my sights higher, if I have the time. \u00c2\u00a0If not, well, at least you know I don’t hate you, no matter who you are. \u00c2\u00a0I suppose some who knew me long ago may have been in doubt about that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Choking for no reason, then thinking about it. Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","category-slice-of-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1290","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1290"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1290\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1292,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1290\/revisions\/1292"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1290"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1290"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chaosnode.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1290"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}