Saturday 23 September 2000

Pic of the day: Who needs to get laid anyway? We sims are content as long as we get to gently squeeze your rear now and then. (Yes, that is a picture from The Sims. And yes, they do that.)

Can a nice guy get laid?

No, I'm not asking for myself ... it's a trick question. Here's the story.

I was perusing one of the innumerable discussion groups on the Net, and there was this young man complaining that he just couldn't get laid, or at least only once a year or so. ("Get laid" seems to be a favorite expression for having sex. Among young men, this is often considered an event in itself, regardless of context.) The guy complained bitterly that women said they wanted a nice guy, someone faithful and honest and sensitive. But that simply wasn't true. Why, oh why, couldn't he as a nice guy get laid too?

The sad thing is that this is not the first time I've met this problem. It used to pop up now and again in the discussion forum at Strangers in Paradise, a comic book that seems to attract nice guys and the women who love them.

***

So, we have a self-declared Nice Guy who is focused on his own needs, not those of his female partner. This is not a good starting point. You'd think that would be blindingly obvious. Well, evidently not.

My guess is that this person thinks there are only two kinds of guys in the world, while there are actually three. Since he's not a bad guy, he considers himself a nice guy. Not so. There are bad guys, normal guys, and good guys.

***

The bad guys don't care about others. They take what they want, unless there is someone or something to stop them. When it comes to the opposite sex, obviously rapists of all stripes belong in this group. But so do liars and cheaters, who present fake facts or fake emotions in order to lure another into doing their bidding.

Normal guys don't do that. At the very least, they will convince themselves too. But basically, normal guys give as they get. They trade. When it comes to sex, they'd prefer to sleep with someone who want it too. That way everybody is content and can go on with their lives without any further trouble. But these guys are also willing to consider other compensations to get what they want. Money, drinks, painting your flat, or even a shoulder to cry on. You see, there is a continuum here, a gradual progression from the crude to the subtle.

Somewhere along the line, the actual nice guys show up. They may not let themselves crucify for the sins of the world, but they don't insist on tit for tat either. (Or should I say "tit for that", in this context.) They want to see you happy, even if they don't get paid. (Or laid.) They are genuinely interested in you, and some of them may even know what you need without having it spelled out. Don't count on it, though. But they will listen if you explain.

***

For a certified Nice Guy, to get laid is not a priority. This does not mean that they have less sex drive than others. They may have less experience, at least when they are young. You should however be sure not to try to reward them with sex or sleep with them out of pity. They will likely think that you are seriously in love, and will be crushed when they find out that this is not true. Of course, if you are seriously in love with a nice guy, you better show it, or you could wait till your hair falls off for any romantic initiative.

I'm not sure how much the same applies for women. Certainly there are bad girls and nice girls, but there is still a fundamental difference when it comes to sex. A woman can always get sex, without resorting to violence or subterfuge. She cannot always get the guy she wants, which may seem to be the same thing. It is not. A man can literally go around for months wanting sex and not getting any, not anywhere. This simply does not apply to any normal woman with the usual number of limbs. I think this makes for a basic difference in attitude. I'm just not sure how far it goes.[1]

Usually, nice girls and nice boys are not desperate to get laid anyway, so it may make little difference on that level. They may be pining for someone special, though, and they're likely to do so for years - even if that someone special is each other. :)

(I did mention that this was not about me, right? It still isn't. Even though it's Saturday night.)

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[1] Presumably there exists something called "romance" which is not quite the same as sex, and which is harder for women to find. Or it may be yet another polite word for sex. Don't ask me. I just work here.