Myrkemann, my dark/dark tanker in City of Heroes. He is here to represent my dark side, although the Norwegian word Myrkemann (or Mørkemann) actually means someone who tries to discourage levity, entertainment and sensual pleasures in society. I am not sure how well that fits with me…
It seems that my recent commenter has returned, and has a reasonable question regarding my entry two days ago, “STILL evil inside“. He asks: “Why would someone like you get these dreams?” which was what I had already tried to say, namely that I am still evil inside after all these years. However, there is a very similar question that may throw more light on the issue, as it were: Why NOW?
I remember a time in my life where these dreams were particularly common and intense. This was in my twenties, and it was a time when I was trying to become a better person, make progress and become holy. I may have a more realistic view now of just what an immense undertaking that is, even with divine intervention on one’s side. But I’ve still been somewhat active lately, reading books of the Truth and thinking about the Truth and to some extent writing about it as well. I have been concerned about blessing others, doing my work with the purpose of giving back love to the world and so on.
There is a saying: “The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.” In natural life this is a bit of an illusion, as the shadow is only darker in contrast. But psychologically, it is quite real. There are forces that are balanced to keep us in our place. This is perfectly natural: At the very least, it generally keeps us from going insane on a whim. Insanity, like sanctification, takes time and immense dedication and energy that already moves in that particular direction. You cannot just sit down and think, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to believe that I was from another planet and had awesome powers to help people” and the next day you start claiming to be Kal-El from Krypton. No, a lot of work happens underground before the madness breaks out, and we cannot expect it to go any faster upward than downward.
“Indeed, to the General Law someone who ‘moves’ looks like a fugitive from collective work, and nature takes immediate steps – a whole series of appropriate measures – to make the rebel fall back into line” writes Boris Mouravieff. And not much later, he says: “But here again, he must be particularly vigilant not to spend the reserve as fast as he accumulates it.” Recall Ryuho Okawa’s rule about the iceberg? At least 80% under the surface? I suspect I have fallen foul of this to some degree. And so when the shape of things to come start to rise up above the surface, a corresponding shift in the center of gravity moves below water. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction” as a better man than I said.
This is not something new to me. It happens with alarming regularity. Well, when I make any changes in my life at least. Looking at my bookshelf, there has been some very visible changes: Something like my own weight in fantasy books have been replaced with a modest number of spiritual books. If that were to reflect the status of my heart, things would get hairy indeed. It is not quite that dramatic, but I can see how it would trigger a re-balancing.
I have from the start – or so it seems to me – in this journal striven to draw my own picture in both light and dark colors, because this is the nature of a human and I am still one. I am relentlessly reminded of this whenever I begin to wonder a little, since I seem to have so little in common with each of you. A little here, a little there, but it all adds up. But it may be too little for any one to find much reason to linger. If you come to read about my Sims, chances are you shrink back in horror from both my religious psychology and my nightmares (or especially the nightmares I am in my dreams). Conversely, if you come here for your religious edification, you will no doubt take offense before the week is over. And so on it goes. But at least I try to be “fair and balanced”, as they say in America, about myself.
You are making something out of nothing. Everyone gets nightmares.
Evil is just a word people use to describe things they do not want or really dislike.
What kind of philosophy is that? Nobody likes being stabbed in the gut with a hunting knife, and this is why it is imperative to think in such a way that it becomes less likely that we do it unto others.
If we keep thinking about the unpleasant things others have done to us, or to others, or the unpleasant things they would have done if they had the chance, and about how innocent we are and about how much better and more important and more valuable we are than them, then we gradually develop the understanding that it is OK for them to be stabbed even if it is not OK for me to be stabbed. (This is the way I was thinking in my childhood and a bit onward.) Other people have followed the same line of thinking and found that it was OK for others to be sent to gas chambers or kept as slaves, even if it would have been quite unpleasant for themselves. This is the nature of evil. Of course it is a word, but so is banana. You cannot eat the word “banana”, but you can eat the banana and it is quite tasty. Evil, on the other hand, is not tasty at all, which is why we should not give it to others.
Conversely, there are ways of thinking that makes it more easy to share love, courage and happiness with others. But you cannot just go from one way of thinking to another by flipping a switch after years of etching a way of thinking into your brain.
The point I was making is that evil is a description, not an actual force. Yes, it is wrong to commit action we determine as evil and do actions that harm other people.
Again this is just a dream! Your actions, thoughts, the way you feel, the way you interact with other people are far more important than a dream. Dreams are too vague to really mean anything.
You should stop worrying about silly things like you being evil and focus on doing good things instead. Based on what I read here you are not evil in ANY sense of the word.
What theme does your site use?
The current theme is called “Azul”.