Somewhat somber day

It has been a somewhat somber day. Between the intimations of hellfire from the book mentioned yesterday, and the half-sickness today and yesterday, my mood was less upbeat than usual. Not saying this is a bad thing overall. I need to get back down on the ground sometimes, I think.

Body and soul are not easy to tell apart. So I am not sure that some of my sickness was not aggravated by the onslaught of doubt and guilt. It is also possible that my emotions were darker and seeing things in a worse light because of the signals from my body. Either or even both are possible.

I cannot even discount my getting up early in the morning to go to work. Well, early by my standards! I usually get up an hour later, and then spend another hour at home at my leisure, frequently writing in my journal or taking other notes, as this is the time of the day when my mind is working most clearly and I am feeling most at peace with myself.  Work changes that.  I love having a job, so I can do something back for the civilization that has helped me survive this far and given me so much. But the fact remains that I feel deeply insufficient for my job. There is very little I can do, and very much I can’t, and my attempts to expand my areas of expertise have been mostly unsuccessful, for reasons I probably am not even allowed to write about here.  I suspect I am harvesting the seeds I sowed during the many years when I disdained my work, thinking it a punishment and a kind of early retirement.

In any case, work did nothing to lift my spirit.  My digestion and my freezing did improve over time though, especially after a five minute nap in my office chair.  Wonderful inventions these high-backed chairs, for us elderly employees. ^_^  Better than coffee.

In any case, I find myself somewhat more pensive. I feel it should reflect more on myself and not run so fast ahead of myself on my spiritual tourist trip. I have said this before, that I do not consider myself a spiritual teacher, but more like a spiritual tourist sending postcards from a place I have not really lived. Perhaps I should send less of those before I really understand what’s going on?

But realistically, if my health improves again or even just stabilizes, it is overwhelmingly likely that you once again will find me hopping and skipping among the exciting things, whether those of this world or of the next. “Somber” is not the best description of my average mood.

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