Too young at heart

Screenshot anime Chuunibyou

“Everyone has eight-grade syndrome all their lives.” Well, I certainly have. The fact that I roleplay a superhero online pretty much every week is proof enough of that. I wish I could grow up soon though.

I turned 54 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!  I find that I am still in many ways young at heart. I really want to change that, but I am not sure how. I have tried so many things. There is a saying here in Norway that “youth is not a big drawback, you outgrow it”, but this seems to take its sweet time for me.

We live in a society that sees youth as a good thing, and for the body that is certainly true. It reaches its peak shortly after 20, and by my age it is already declining fairly rapidly. (Although some people take up long distance running in old age, most other physical feats are getting rapidly harder after 50.)

When it comes to the mind and personality, though, I agree with the ancients: While old age does not always bring wisdom, youth is almost always foolish. The current flood of education does not really change that. There is a fundamental difference in how the young and the old brain process information. As children we start with no insight and no connections, but a sponge-like ability to absorb random data we come across. As we grow up, we gradually lose the ability to learn random unrelated things simply by stumbling across them, but instead we develop our ability to learn by association, like filling in the missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

Now that I am in my mid-fifties, the images of the jigsaw puzzles should be what I see, not a jumble of pieces. To some degree that has happened, yes, but the picture is still so flat, it has not really become the real thing. It has not come alive. I learned, now I understand, but I don’t really understand, for I am not changed, I am not transformed. How long will that take? How long before I become wisdom lived rather than wisdom perceived? I could write books, innumerable books of timeless wisdom. Except I am not that wisdom, it is not really mine and certainly not me. So it is not finished, and will be destroyed if poured at this stage. One should be the wisdom before sharing it. Like valuable beverages that need years of processing alone in the dark, wisdom needs to be kept under lid to transform into its final and valuable stage.  Will I even live to see that happen? What can I do to move on, except shut up? That would probably be for the best, but it makes for a lousy journal…

I don’t want the impatient heart of the young. At least I have shed the seeking of popularity and even attention. I don’t write this journal to impress or be looked up to; Light save me from that for as long as possible. I write it for those who travel the same path as me, for friends known and unknown, and for the future yet to be seen. I write it because I don’t have children that can bring a part of me into that future. At this age I often think of the words of wisdom I heard from my father and my mother, but for many reasons I am not going to bring that wisdom into the future the same way they did. Luckily I have my brothers for that. The world is teeming with small Itlands, so that is good. But I shall have to bring my memes into the future without my genes. (Although they are mostly very good genes; I really undervalued them when I was younger. Oh well, a bit late now.)

I was never cut out to be a parent, but I think I would have made a decent grandparent. Well, that is not how the world works. But I look forward to becoming old at heart. I’ve been young long enough, I think.

5 thoughts on “Too young at heart

  1. Matthew 18:
    1 At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

    2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

    3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

    4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

    5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

    • Yes, isn’t this the polar opposite of the average young person? I was between 18 and 20 when the voting age was set down from 20 to 18 here in Norway, and I remember one of the arguments that was used (ironically, no doubt): “They’ll never again be in an age where they know absolutely everything.”

      And that is somewhat true, although it sure takes its sweet time to get rid of it!

      • Just saying, there are perks to being . . . not “childish”, but unpolluted by all the adult worldiness. And no matter how many computers you have, you are still vastly less polluted than the average human!

        Funny comment, too . . . Jenna should have been voting since birth if we were only going by the “knows everything” guideline. I actually turned 19 the day after the drinking age in Texas was raised from 19 to 21. It didn’t matter much for me, because I did not drink, but still . . . I wondered if my dad had something to do with it!

        • I have actually been very cynical for a long time, alas. But the worst of it was well before we met, luckily. My years in Brunstad Christian Church stripped me of most of my cynicism, because I got to see close up people who really believed in love and trust and forgiveness. So even if I may find these things hard to regain for my own part, at least I know they are out there!

          • Not sure how, but cynicism and lack of jadedness can, despite them being a complete contradiction in terms, coexist.

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