So very Monday

I cannot blame anyone else for this, I just got a bit too little sleep last night.  Time flies when you are having fun!  Five hours sleep plus one hour delta entrainment should have been nearly enough, but it does not feel like it.  I was sleepy much of the day at work, just like in the old days before brainwave entrainment.  Inspiration just cannot substitute for sleep.  Of course, there may have been factors at the workplace too, but I cannot write about those.

This afternoon and evening I have had a slight headache.  Nothing too bad, but it makes me wonder whether it is just from lack of sleep or if it is related to whatever keeps my lymph nodes tender.  It still hurts a little when I swallow, a week and a day after it broke out in earnest.  Again, nothing too bad. I would probably have ignored it if it started like this, but not with the memory of the much stronger pain in fresh memory.  But clearly there is still something, whatever it is.

On a vaguely related note, I found online today a prayer to El Cantare for recovery from illness. No, I did not try it. I’m already in a relationship with Jesus Christ, so to speak. You may even say I have a “prayer commitment”.  Besides, even El Cantare says that Jesus is the head of the healing spirits. Furthermore, direct intervention like that just isn’t his style. In another of his books, Ryuho Okawa (known as 20% of El Cantare) says that if you are poor, he will not give you money. Your problem is that you love poverty, and giving you money won’t fix that. Instead he will give you the Truth so you can change your mindset.  He implies in the same chapter that the same may hold true for illness: There are illnesses that come from fate, he says, but most come from people driving themselves into illness through not taking care of themselves.  (For example me by not getting to bed in time!)  So instead of praying to El Cantare you should normally take his reasonable advice to heart instead, it seems.

Still, there is such a prayer. There is also one to get married.  From scratch, I mean, not for the actual wedding but to find someone to build an Utopian home with.  I did not try that either.  Although I admit if I could build a home that was a Fortress of Light, as the prayer says, I would be somewhat less adverse to it than now I am. Then again I am very adverse right now.  It is bad enough to be half sick if you don’t have to be married as well.

(Yes, yes, it is an opportunity to give more love than you receive. But that is why we have jobs. And online journals. My day already has 25 hours.)

In other Happy Science news, a twitter gave out a link to an online Happy Science library with several of their monthly magazines.  You can actually subscribe to those in paper format as well, I believe, but this is great for us who live online anyway. The only problem is that it does not work with my mobile phone, because the site uses Flash.  Needlessly, in my opinion.  Commute bus is otherwise a great place to read.

Oh, that reminds me.  As a measure of just how sleepy I was, I forgot my bag at work. It contains not only my MP3 player and large headphones, but also the current book.  As it happens, the sunshine was so strong and so low that I could probably not have read anyway, so it is all good.  But having carried that bag to and from work thousands of consecutive workdays, it takes something to just forget it.  Tonight I’ll sleep for 7 hours and then an hour (or nearly so) of delta entrainment.  Let’s see how that works.

“Words of wisdom are, uhm, hard”

The bookshelves used to be flowing over with fantasy books, but lately I have cleared out the fantasy and begin to fill up with books of Truth and timeless wisdom. Now to do the same with my head…

Today’s title comes from an old friend of mine, and I can certainly understand her. After all, we kind of wake up on the outside first, that is to say, the material world. The world inside is more or less completely in shadow unless you are born an introvert, and even then it rarely pays your bills so you need to look outward much of the time.

What do I mean by inside and outside in this case? What happens to us is outside. What we do is also outside.  But what we decide is inside, and how we react to what happens. If we never witness ourselves, our inner space where thoughts and feelings happen, then we will be taken by surprise by what we do.  This is how it is with many people. When others do something to them, they do not make a conscious decision on how to react.  They just do what comes naturally to them.  Depending on their nature, this may not be too bad. But potentially it could result in tragedy, and for many people it does.  Even if they never murder anyone, they may still kill their marriage and their friendships without meaning to or even without knowing why. They may ruin their health and their finances, and then wonder why God let bad things happen to good people like them.  This is what we call an “unreflected life”.

When you reflect on your life, you can start by looking at it from outside, as if seen by a stranger who is neither your friend nor your enemy. If you saw a stranger acting like you do, how would you judge that?  This is the first step, self-reflection for dummies, and we need to keep that up later as well.  But eventually you should be able to observe your own thoughts and feelings arise in your inner space.  Daily meditation will help with this.  If you are not born an introvert, it will likely take some time – months, probably – before it really takes hold.  In that period you will simply need to keep repeating your mantra or count to ten or whatever your form of meditation is.  It will take hold eventually.

Esoteric knowledge requires you to have this space inside, a bubble of time between action and reaction, where you can glimpse yourself.  This is why parents tell their kids to count to ten before answering those who taunt them.  In that space, that tiny bubble of “now”, you can catch yourself.  This is the beginning of esoteric knowledge. Without this, it will never make sense, and you will be confined to the outside of your mind, helplessly watching yourself do things you don’t understand.

This tiny bubble of “now” is what expands over time to become a whole kingdom within, and in this kingdom there have been many travelers through the ages. They left behind notes from their travels, of the things they encountered (or they told others, who wrote it down).  By reading this, you can be prepared for what you have not yet come to.  Obviously the map is not the terrain – if all you do is read about others’ travels, you will never arrive where they did.  But it is still a good preparation.  When you go on a vacation in the outer world, you do read about the place you are going to, right?  How much more if you go to a remote place where few have ever been and that is shrouded in myths and legends.

Even so, some mystics are needlessly obscure. Perhaps they feel that their knowledge should only be given to those who are worthy.  Or perhaps they just don’t have much gift for clarity.  Or perhaps it often is what the Swedish writer Esaias Tegner says: “The obscurely spoken is the obscurely thought.” Or in simpler translation, murky speech means murky thoughts. Even I, even right now, I am writing more hazily than I wish I could, because I don’t have enough clarity of mind.

This is why I am so impressed when I find someone who can explain such things simply.  And yes, that includes Ryuho Okawa. I don’t care that he believes he used to be king of Atlantis, as long as he can put into words the timeless wisdom that I almost knew already but had not consciously been able to form into words.  If believing that you have lived for billions of years is what it takes to hold this kind of insight in your mind until it crystallizes, then so be it.

Rather than just leaving behind words of wisdom, Okawa also patiently explains how he got there in this life.  It is not like he has just been relaxing on the couch and the voices in his head told him everything.  He has been studying since his youth, voraciously devouring the words of the high spirits who have lived throughout history, spitting out that which has mistakenly been called “great” literature but did not fit into the grand puzzle.  His advice is to always be like an iceberg, exposing at most 20% of what you know at any time, preferably much less.

So when I find myself writing something unclear, I realize that I have not understood it to the degree it can be understood.  I may not have learned enough about it, or I may have learned but not yet lived it long enough for it to settle down inside me and crystallize.  When wisdom becomes clear as crystal, it shines brilliantly, and just watching it is joy in itself.  But as the Bible says, the book of prophecy tastes like honey but it hurts in the stomach.  Digesting words of wisdom means having to say “no” to rash impulses.  In a way, it is more of the same as growing up.  As a child we may think that grown-ups can do whatever they will, but when we arrive there we realize that freedom can only live when married to responsibility.

And that, I believe, is why words of wisdom are hard.  Some of them have to become flesh in us before the next level will even start to make sense.  If we stop living wisdom, we will eventually come to a point where we cannot learn more of it in theory either.  In fact, if we never start, we will never come very far. Uhm, that sounds kind  of obvious. But then wisdom is kind of obvious once you’ve been there.

Happy Science’s christology

If only he had listened to Ryuho Okawa, this would not have happened.

OK, this is bound to have a VERY narrow reader base. But I just finished my re-read ofThe Laws of Eternity today so it is fresh in my mind.

On that note, I am pleased to find that re-reading the book after several months was a whole new experience. While I won’t exactly say that I had forgotten everything or even most of it, the details had faded into a vague background information, which actually made the book more interesting the second time around.

While the religious organization Happy Science (in Japanese Kofuku-no-Kagaku meaning “Science of Happiness”) has a lot in common with Christianity, it can not with any stretch of words be said to be a Christian sect. It combines Christianity and Buddhism, with some influence from other religions and philosophies, but it is mostly rooted in Buddhism, as can be expected since Shakyamuni Buddha and Ryuho Okawa are each supposed to be 1/5 of the religion’s main deity, El Cantare. Despite this, Jesus Christ is accorded a very high place by non-Christian standards. One gets the distinct impression that Christ and Okawa are best friends since at least when the dinosaurs were young, if not before.

That said, the christology – the teaching about Christ – is what most of all sets the new religion apart from Christianity. When it comes to ethics they are strikingly similar, and the religion’s teaching about the afterlife and much of the spirit world is fairly similar to mainstream Christianity. Admittedly the concept of Hell in Buddhism comes closer to the Catholic concept of Purgatory, not the Final Solution to the Sinner Problem that the Christian Hell is supposed to be. But the various Hells are vaguely similar to those of Dante, and the heavens are quite familiar. Jesus Christ is also fairly familiar – but in the end, there are a few differences that just cannot be reconciled.

Most notably, Jesus is not unique. In Happy Science, a large number of planets are inhabited, and each of them has various spheres of spirit world surrounding them. Jesus lives in the 9th dimension, also called the cosmic dimension, so he is presumably able to communicate with other 9-dimensional spirits around the galaxy. He was already familiar with El Cantare before Earth was settled, after all. But his special role as savior and source of love is for this planet only. Other planets have their own saviors as needed.

Furthermore, even on Earth there are 10 cosmic spirits in the 9th dimension, of which El Cantare is the leader. (No big surprise there, given who is writing the books.) It seems to be a fairly relaxed atmosphere among these saviors, except for some palpable tension between Enlil and El Cantare, but El Cantare is a bit more than “first among equals”. He still shares the same dimension as the rest of them though. It is strongly implied that Jesus is the second in command, so to speak, and actually said to be in charge of the heavens while El Cantare is partially incarnated in the 3-dimensional world. (One should bear in mind that 80% of El Cantare is still up there, though.)

As for Jesus being God’s son, that is not a big deal in a worldview where every living thing (and then some) is a child of God. The primordial God (or primordial Buddha, depending on the audience) is unimaginably far above the created universe, but still every person has a small core of divine nature. There is no need for Jesus to give people this divine nature, it was invested at the moment of creation, according to Happy Science. (They do not refer to the episode where Jesus tells the pharisees that the Kingdom of Heaven is inside them, a very strange claim giving that he spoke to people who violently rejected him. Some later readers have concluded that Jesus could not possibly mean that, and must have meant that the Kingdom was “among” them instead. But in the Buddhist worldview, Jesus’ words are trivially obvious.)

So while Jesus is still the incarnation of Love and still a Savior, he is certainly no longer God’s only begotten Son and he does not have all power in Heaven and on Earth. If you believe Happy Science and its leader Ryuho Okawa. Which means no Christian is ever going to believe him, at least in this regard.

As for the historic Jesus, this part is treated in The Golden Laws and is also a bit different, though not all that much. The virgin birth is written off as a mythunderstanding, while on the other hand Jesus was originally called Immanuel (as per the prophecy) and later changed name to Jesus (perhaps like Ryuho Okawa who originally was named Nakagawa Takashi, according to Wikipedia.) Most of the extra stuff is placed in the “hidden years” from Jesus was 12 till he was 30. Supposedly he spent some time in Egypt, possibly instead of his babyhood detour there. After all, it was prophesied that he would be called from Egypt, which makes somewhat more sense if he was old enough to realize his calling at the time. Supposedly he later went to India and studied spiritual concentration and miracles. He also studied the Persian religion of dualism. By the time he was 30, he had a very thorough education in several of the world religions. (Incidentally, 30 was also the age when Ryuho Okawa began his great mission to save humankind. By then Jesus had already spoken to him many times. But back when Jesus was incarnate, it was the other way around – it was El Cantare who was mentoring him, in his aspect as Hermes.)

Hermes was not too happy about the whole cross thing. He would have preferred that Jesus had been more diplomatic and lived a long life teaching people, like Shakyamuni Buddha did. Having only a few years to get his message across was bound to cause vagueness in the doctrine and a splintering of the religion over time. But Jesus was adamant. No compromise, even in face of Calvary. Never compromise. And it turned out fairly well: Despite some internecine war, Christianity has become a world religion and its vagueness has actually made it easier for it to adapt to changing times and different cultures.

According to the Golden Laws movie, Jesus actually did call for Elijah when he was about to die on the cross, as onlookers reported according to the Gospel. (The Bible gives four different interpretations of his last words, none of which include Elijah, though one sounds similar.) Angels then came and escorted his spirit back to Heaven. The Catholic belief that Jesus went straight to Hell is anyway somewhat poorly founded in Scripture. The verse that says that he went in spirit and preached to the spirits who were incarcerated seems to place his visit there after the resurrection and make it a somewhat less depressing event. I don’t have any revelation either way. In the movie, Hermes is credited with resurrecting Jesus, rather than the Creator acting directly. I am pretty sure this is a view only held by Happy Science.

There is supposedly a whole book which Okawa wrote down that Jesus dictated to him, but it is (probably wisely) not translated into English. I suspect more differences to mainstream Christianity would be found there, but what do I know. In any case, I think I have proven beyond doubt that there is some conflict of interest between Christianity and Happy Science, despite striking similarity in ethics and sanctification.

And while I truly admire Master Okawa and find his books and speeches deeply inspirational, I can’t help but think that the world today is better than it would have been if Jesus had written 500 books and gone into politics. (Your Jesus may vary.)

Doctor visit!

You know, I think I’ll just write this post about the health thing and then we can have the philosophy and religion elsewhere for this time.  I am sure you are all eager to hear that I actually made use of Norway’s communist-style health care system (well, judging from my conservative American friends, that must be the least one could say about it.)

The conclusion was obvious before I even started.  Once again I shelled out a symbolic amount (about $30, not counting transport) to be told that nobody was going to do anything about anything.  So, back to soup and meditation I guess.  This is what happens pretty much every time, of course. Even when I am sick, I am probably healthier than most doctors and nurses. It still makes for well-read entries, though.

This morning I went to work again, but I noticed that unlike the previous mornings, I was not better than the day before.  If anything, the modest pain when swallowing was a bit stronger than yesterday evening.  So after I came to work, I called the clinic where I has been assigned by the state.  (I have had opportunities to change later, with my moving twice, but I don’t have a problem with these. They are just half an hour from my job and have decent equipment.)

I got an appointment already the same day, at 13:30. Not bad for socialism, eh? The wait was not particularly long either.  About 13:40 I was allowed in to a young substitute doctor.  I am not sure if he substitutes for my regular doctor or not, I did not see or hear anything of my regular doctor today.  He may quietly have left his job for all I know – I last saw him sometime in 2008, I believe. He usually only told me to exercise an hour each day anyway, so I don’t really need to see him to know that.  I have an excellent memory.  And no, I don’t exercise an hour each day. Although not having a car means I do exercise pretty much every day, just more sporadically.

The young guy pretty much asked me the same questions I have asked myself:  Fever?  (No.) Any other infections?  (Inflamed gums the week before.) Coughing? (No more than usual.) Had a cold recently? (No.)  He then looked in my throat to see if it was red.  (It was not.) He listened to my chest. (I have had no trouble breathing this time.)  (Incidentally, he did not squeeze my breasts.  In fact he only asked me to open one button. A very decent fellow.) He also looked in my ears, but of course found nothing worrying there either.

He concluded that it must be some kind of virus, and recommended that we just wait it out.  Just to be sure, he sent me to the lab to take a blood test from my finger.  It showed no bacterial activity, so Lab Girl just told me to keep my feet warm.

After paying, I accidentally put my money outside my pocket instead of inside, and walked away leaving it on the floor.  It was all the money I had taken out to buy a new 1 month bus pass, about $200, and a little more that I planned to buy groceries for. Luckily an old man in a wheelchair alerted the assistant who called out for me, so I got it all back.

So anyway, nobody still has a clue as to what actually is hurting me, except that it is probably not streps so probably I won’t get rheumatic fever.  This is good. Of course, since we have no idea what virus it is, we have no idea what it does in the long run either.  But then again, as Keynes said, “in the long run we are all dead.” At least temporarily, I might add.

Did I forget anything?

Giant on feet of varicose veins

At least I don’t claim to be one of those. Yet.

I went to work today, after two days of soup and relaxation, including brainwave entrainment.  I slept for nearly six and a half hour tonight and meditated for perhaps half an hour, so I was a little surprised that I was sleepy a few times during the workday.

I still have some pain while swallowing, but it is less than yesterday, and yesterday less than Monday, and Monday less than Sunday.  This is good.  My right foot hurts somewhere near the ankle. This is not good, but probably more likely to come from varicose veins than flesh-eating bacteria.  I have after all reached that age.

Thinking back on my life, there was so much I did not understand, did not even know, when I was young and healthy.  It is as if some kind of balance has to be maintained, that I cannot have strength and wisdom in the same body.  Surely this cannot be true for all, but it seems to be disturbingly common.

The thought has struck me that I might have become conceited, proud, a VIP in my own eyes (more than otherwise) etc if I did not have the sword of a failing body hanging over my head.  I am fully aware that it is still hanging.  Even today I am in good health for my age, where so many are already unable to work at all or suffering daily torture.  Still, I have these reminders, like the proverbial sword hanging by a hair, that I can never know when will drop.  It may be that I need this to stay humble.  If so, that is quite sad.

To me it seems that learning the Truth – or at least some approximation to the Truth – is making me more humble.  And I don’t say that as if humility was itself some kind of good work.  Humility, to me, is just a subset of realism.  There is no need to exaggerate my failures, because my lack of accomplishment would shame me even if I had done no actual wrong at all in my life.  (Which I have, but you don’t need to know all the details.)

Oh yes, I happened to finish the chapter of the “sixth dimension” in The Laws of Eternity.  No matter how I look at it, it is me.  I am just not very good at it.  But it is me.  The joy of knowledge and especially deeper insight, for its own sake, not for money or fame or impressing the women, but even or especially when I am alone, even when learning something I suspect no one will ever know that I know.  The absolute conviction that the Light is real, based on years of day to day experience. The drive to use my knowledge to help people and make the world a better place. Even, dare I say it, a certain natural leadership ability.

That last part certainly needs some explanation, because I am extremely solitary by nature.  When left to my own devices, I can be alone for weeks and enjoy it. However, I can also take initiative and bring people together, when my job requires it.  Back when I could still talk without too much pain, I was an instructor in my then job.  I would go on courses and seminars with other instructors, and when we first met, I would be the one to talk to people and get them together and get started thinking on our tasks.  When there was discontent because of bad leadership, I would put it into words and discuss what we would do about it. I would confront those who had misused their authority.  I had no fear of them and always saw them as equals at best.

However, when I had done whatever was needed, I would revert to my porcupine form, so that is probably how I am mostly remembered.

At the time, I did not know anything about the sixth dimension or why I was here on earth.  I guess I generally believed that my purpose in life was to remain celibate at all costs, or something.  I did not really ask myself why I was who I am. And even now, I wonder what will happen next.  Did I finally find this out when it was too late?  Or is there still something I am supposed to do?

There is a difference between Knowledge and Truth.  You can learn knowledge, but you are reminded of truth.  When you hear the truth for the first time, you think: “Yes, I always knew that, but I did not know that I knew!”  And that is why I keep reading this guy who thinks he is from Venus and used to be king of Atlantis, and this is why I keep reading this other guy who thinks Democrat leaders are literally possessed by demons.  For all that these two seem crazy to the casual observer, they suddenly start saying other things that make me go “Yes! That makes a lot of things fall into place, that makes the puzzle become a picture!”  This lasts for a shorter or longer time, and then suddenly they say something that makes me go “what planet are you on RIGHT NOW?”.

I wonder if Jesus was like that too.  I remember an episode where his family showed up to try to bring him home, convinced that he was not quite right in the head.  Or when he claimed to be bread from Heaven, and threatened that bad things would happen to people who did not eat him.

I wonder if I am like that too.  Perhaps some see a halo and some just see varicose feet. I guess they would both be right, although I dare say at present there is a lot more feet than halo.

Still alive & loving it

I admit that I was more than a little worried about the rapid onset throat pain, but today it is hurting less.  I stayed home from work yesterday and today, drinking soup and doing some meditation.  If this is what we here in Norway call “3 days throat illness”, it should end tomorrow.  But even if not, I will be happy if it continues to withdraw at the current pace.

My vocal cords are still feeling kind of sandy, and I have been automatically trying to clear them a lot today.  It is almost impossible not to, it is like a reflex. Hopefully this won’t do too much damage.

I have also spent the last two days reading through my enormous Sims 2 archives, more exactly the Micropolis Prosperity Challenge.  I have returned to the game a little after that.  It may sound strange, but when I felt really ill and I thought back at my recent life to see if there were things that were not tinged with any regret, I saw this among them.  I feel that I truly got across some of my metaphysics and many of the values that I keep and that have contributed to my own happiness and that of many others.

Micropolis (meaning “very small town”) is a story, made in collaboration by me and the little people in the computer, about a few families who have lost loved ones and all they owned in a natural disaster.  Uneducated, friendless and mired in debt, they start building a new community under the guidance of a guardian angel that shows them how to realize their own inner potential to build an utopia on earth. By helping each other, learning useful skills and communing with their guardian angel, they make progress against seemingly impossible odds.  (This was all written before I had heard of Happy Science, by the way. ^_^)

Rereading it from the start, I was amazed to see how some of the things I said on the first pages were realized later in the game, long after I had written it, and without any prompting from me. The little computer people went off and did it by themselves, as if they had really heard my voice.  Or as if I had inadvertently seen their future.  Or as if someone above either of us had played us both according to a plan neither of us could see…

If I am treated like I have treated my sims, I am fairly optimistic about my life and, to some extent, even my afterlife.  And in some ways, it really looks that way. I know I joked that I treated them like I wanted to be treated myself, except they were not allowed to eat snacks.  And behold, I had to reduce my favorite snack intake due to the “fat poisoning” illness.  Well, I still snack, but rarely on snacks, if you know what I mean.  And I make more meals, just like my sims.  So it seems to work both ways…

And like the Sims of Micropolis, I have had years of amazing happiness.  That time still lasts.  Even now, I love my life.  I am not only afraid of death, although there is still a worry that I may have to pay for my idle years and for the weaknesses I hid in the dark.  But if I were to spend my afterlife with the Voice that taught me how to find happiness, I can stand an eternity of that. For now, however, I know from experience that I can have this happiness in the current life. And I am not eager to give that up.

Sudden illness

I had finished a fairly long entry concluding in my dedication to living a life worthy of someone whose home is in the Realm of Light, the “sixth dimension” as Happy Science names it. Before posting it, I ate my dinner and looked through my picture collection for a suitable picture.

Then suddenly I noticed that it hurt to swallow.  I have felt this a few times over the past week, always on the right side.  But this time it quickly moved to both sides and got worse, amazingly fast, in a matter of perhaps a minute.  I was shocked. While I am generally not looking for signs in the things that happen me – Moses specifically warns against letting such outside events rule our lives rather than the word of God through his prophets – it was hard not to draw a connection between the sudden onset of the illness and the impending upload of my completed entry. I decided to make it private, for now at least.  If I survive, I will seek God’s will in this regard.

It has been over 4 hours so it was not immediately fatal, but I am hardly getting better either.

It does not feel like an ordinary sore throat. Apart from the sudden onset, it just feels not so much sore, more like something presses or stretches on my throat. I feel like I have tender pouches (lymph nodes?) under my jaw on both sides, especially the right, but there is no visible swelling so this may be misleading.  When I swallow, there is a fairly strong pain that radiates from the “Adam’s apple” (vocal cords) to the right side almost under the ear.  My neck is stiff, but this may be a reaction to the pain rather than the other way around.

There is an irony in this, as I was thinking not much earlier (though not writing it) that it seems people with a heavenly calling tend to live longer than most. Perhaps, I thought, it was partly because they avoided the excesses of the flesh, but partly also because a sense of meaning in life made the body do its best, knowing that it was in use.  Well, well.   I am not dead yet, but my body is hardly doing its best.

It was so sudden that I considered going to the nearest emergency room (probably in Mandal now). But then I remembered that every time I have done so before, it has turned out to be nothing worthy of the name “emergency”, which is more about torn limbs and burst appendices. Unfortunately, torn limbs are all too common during the Scandinavian weekend, as Friday and Saturday are binge drinking day, and there is still a good deal of alcohol in people’s bloodstream on Sunday.  Not in mine though.

Confusingly, I have no fever worth the name.  My temperature is about 37.5 degrees Celsius (99.5 Fahrenheit) which is slightly above normal for me, but not a true fever as you would expect if the body really was fighting hordes of deadly bacteria. It may come simply from worrying, which I do.  I don’t want to die before I wake, because I am not that solid in my faith.  I fear that if I must leave the body now, I may be drawn to Hell despite my best intentions, much like in this life the sight of a sexy woman causes all my pious thoughts to evaporate instantly and draws my eyes and feet in her direction, even though I know that I could not actually do anything with her even if she asked me to.  My mind is still drawn out of its course, and if my mind does not have a body to hide in, Light knows where it may drift off. Or if someone threatens me, my compassion goes POOF and my mind instantly looks for the best ways to maim or kill the other person before he can do it to me.   Not much “Father forgive them” there, nope.  I need a lot more spiritual practice.

So, yes, worrying.

Bill-paying day

“One must climb the stairway to adulthood with one’s own feet, step by step.” When Yano says it, she probably refers to romance, but in real life it mostly means learning to pay one’s own bills on time. Or that’s my impression, especially today.

Low-density entry again. I am still alive, long may it last, and I seem to have recovered from the bout of sickness earlier today, but I still have the inflamed gums to remind me that I need to stock up on sleep and meditation.

So anyway, today was bill-paying day, a couple days later than usual. Which probably says something about my current forgetfulness. Or perhaps we could spin it more positively, like not being concerned about earthly things. In any case, it certainly isn’t for financial reasons, since I got my pay the 12th and don’t expect another until the 12th of April.

In related news, it’s been the coldest winter in decades here in southern Norway, according to the utility company. They wrote this in a small leaflet they sent along with bill, and for the occasion offered to split the bill in two installments for those who so desire – against a small fee. Ah, everyone wants to get into credit these days. In Norway, that is, not elsewhere, from what I hear.

I would certainly have considered it, if I had not already arranged financing. After all, it does not come entirely like a black swan from a cloudy sky. I have paid my own bills for many years and I do know most of the predictable ones well in advance. This is a good thing, especially on days like today. The bills, including electricity for two houses and some moving costs, amounted to about $3000. A fairly moderate amount by Norwegian standards, admittedly, but I still only keep about $2000 a month after tax. So some preparation was obviously necessary, or panic would have ensued.

This comes after four months of double rent, which admittedly was more or less my choice for the last three of them, as I gradually moved over to the new place. In any case, next month should be the first “normal” month with no leftovers from the moving period. It should also be the first since October that I run a surplus again, if all goes according to plan. Which all rarely does, but it is not certain that it goes entirely off in the wild blue either. Those who live will see. I still hope to be one of them. Even if that means sleeping away seven hours a night for a while…

Quick note

A human life moves like waves, sometimes it is higher and sometimes lower. Mine is a bit lower than recently now, although I am probably still very happy by human standards.

I don’t have the energy to finish my entries with such a quality as they deserve, though.  Second half of last week and Monday I went to work much earlier than usual. Between the long workdays and not getting enough sleep, I start getting infections here and there:  Eyes, gums, neck.  I still have not adjusted to eating small enough dinner to go to bed early without getting acid reflux.  I am getting closer though.

That’s it, basically. I have a number of entries that I feel could be improved on before posting.  Whether I actually do that or come up with something else if I get back to my normal energy level, remains to be seen.  There is hardly a day that I don’t find something new that should be said.  Perhaps it is a kind of hubris to want to say it well.  One day I will be gone, and I have no idea which day that is.  Before that I ought to say all the words that should be spoken, before they are lost forever.

But for now, I need sleep, so I can serve the world at work again.

To serve in Heaven, again

“Nothing makes me happier than being able to help others” says Sawako from the anime Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching You).  It is a very family-friendly and inspiring anime that will teach young people truth, virtue and inner beauty, even though it is not made by Happy Science.  Highly recommended.  Still ongoing on Japanese TV.

Today’s entry was inspired by RyuhoOkawa on Twitter:  Those who think the world exists for them will go to hell, whereas those who think that they exist to serve the world will go to heaven.

Long-time readers may remember my entry “To serve in Heaven“, from February 2001. Time sure flies, eh? In it, I tell the imaginary story of two planets, both of them copies of the original earth, but one inhabited by those who want to rule (Hell) and one by those who want to serve (Heaven). Logic dictates that this goes badly for the Hellions, because even though they have a strong desire to rule, there is not a soul around who consents to being ruled! Obviously then in our world the same kind of people are happiness parasites, or should I say happiness vampires, who can only attain some degree of happiness at all because there are less egoic people around.

It is no big surprise that Ryuho Okawa sees it similarly.  I also think this is a pretty good hint that he is after all not The Antichrist, despite his eagerness to take over Christ’s job as savior of mankind.  (Without the pesky dying on the cross, obviously.)

I think it is a safe bet that Okawa is not the Son of Satan, given that’s Satan’s gospel is “You deserve better!”  If you look at today’s advertising from a higher perspective, you will know why we think the world is largely under his thumb. But that is not going to last.  The sun will rise. Of course, to us Christians, the Son has already risen.  But whether or not you are a Christian, the laws of the mind rule just as absolutely as the laws of gravity or magnetism.  If you follow Satan’s gospel: “You deserve better”, you will become unhappy and live and die in a state of bitterness.  If you follow Jesus gospel: “It is more blessed to give”, then your happiness will necessarily increase whether you want it or not.

This is because, as I also said before, whenever you let a blessing or a curse run through you toward someone, it will leave a residue inside you.  This happens regardless of whether the blessing or curse actually has any effect on the other person at all.  It certainly has on you, and this too is simply natural law and cannot be altered anymore than the world’s streams will start running uphill tomorrow and the sun rise in the west.

You don’t actually have to be religious for this to work either.  Even if you are an atheist, you still have to obey the law of gravity, as the clock runs just fine without your belief in a clockmaker.  It is the same with the laws of the mind. Conversely, religions will not actually in the long run let you get away with breaking the law. Sure you can get forgiveness from God (although people may still treat you like scum, get used to it) but the thing is, forgiveness does not mean that actions don’t have consequences.  Even if you deeply regret and repent of your years of gluttony and accept the Lord as your personal savior, you’ll still wake up fat the next morning, this I confidently predict.  And if you keep overeating and asking for forgiveness, you will get fatter and fatter.  Likewise, if you are a greedy bastard, you will be dark and hungry inside even if you are a religious greedy bastard.  This is a direct observation that anyone can make for themselves if they live long enough.

I want to serve in Heaven, not because I want a job in Heaven, but because to serve is Heaven, rightly understood.  I don’t mean in a sense of reducing oneself to cattle that can be used by anyone for any purpose they may see fit.  I talk about sharing happiness:  Love, hope, joy, courage.  Radiate it like the brightness of a clear lamp, like the warmth of a roaring fire. To be near such a person is a state of good fortune, but to be such a person – that is Heaven. Such a person will eventually be able to say, like the French mystic Madame Guyon: “If I went to Hell, it would be a problem – for the Devil.” (Not an exact quote, but it captures the meaning.)

(Speaking of Mdm Guyon, there are indeed saints and bodhisattvas who experience a “dark night of the soul”, but this is something else again.  If this is relevant to you, you have nothing to learn from me, quite the other way around.)