The road I walked. It was a really nice walk apart from this small detail.
First for the physical heart. I have generally had a relaxed relationship to this, compared to the average human, because I hail from a family where heart problems are exceedingly rare before the age of 70 if at all. But occasionally there have been unexplained speed changes, perhaps once a year on average. I know the first summer after I stopped eating fat, when I took long walks it happened at least twice that my heart started running much faster than was normal for such an activity, and kept doing so for a while. It passed when I sat down for a while. I have had a couple more dramatic episodes where the heart just ran as fast as it could for a while, and I’ve seen a doctor for that a couple times.
Today was in the first category. I took a walk to the grocery shop, because unexpectedly the weather had turned mild, several degrees above freezing. It was like spring, for real. Lovely. But unfortunately by the time I had reached the shop, my heart was racing. Not at full speed, I would say, but about as hard and as fast as when mowing grass with the manual lawnmower, is my estimate. And it continued like that while I stayed there, about a quarter of an hour or more. I had picked some groceries but put them back, not wanting to exert myself the least more than necessary. Besides, I considered that if it grew worse and I had to go to the emergency room, it would be inconvenient to have a bag of food with me. And if I died, I would definitely not need the food. So unless I suddenly got better, it was probably better to not buy anything.
I got better, but only when I came home, another half hour’s walk. I felt a bit weak afterwards, but otherwise it seems to have not hurt me at all. That is to be expected, I guess: It was not max pulse, I think, and it lasted less than an hour, and I am still not old. So in itself it is barely worth mentioning. I do so anyway because later one can go back and see that ah, that happened then, and find a pattern in it.
On that note, this morning my heart was actually abnormally slow for a while after I woke up. I don’t know if there is a connection, but perhaps I (or someone else) will know in the future.
***
And that was that! Now to the other heart, so to speak. One thing I considered as I walked home was this: It did not seem to be a panic attack, because I did not panic. In the past, I thought, I would probably have done that more easily. That is because in the past, I was convinced deep down that I was going to hell. Now I am not so sure. I mean, it could happen I guess, but it is not a sure thing. There was a resentment inside me that is not there anymore, and there is just more light in my life now. I know that I can look back on my life and say it was a good life, in the sense that it grew brighter and brighter. I think of life with gratitude now. I realize that my problem all the way was myself, my arrogance and lack of self-reflection. That problem is much diminished, I am happy to say.
That said, the heart is a treacherous thing. Despite all this, I have spent most of the day playing City of Heroes. There are new alignment missions now, that you can do up to 5 a day of, to verify your morality. So I’ve been doing a bunch of these, on a bunch of my characters, instead of anything useful or really edifying. I mean, being an imaginary hero is not the worst you can do, but it is a kind of moral self-satisfaction really. It does not help make the world on Earth a better place to live. I wonder how I shall do that. It will take both of my hearts for a long time, I suspect.
