Myrkemann, my dark/dark tanker in City of Heroes. He is here to represent my dark side, although the Norwegian word Myrkemann (or Mørkemann) actually means someone who tries to discourage levity, entertainment and sensual pleasures in society. I am not sure how well that fits with me…

It seems that my recent commenter has returned, and has a reasonable question regarding my entry two days ago, “STILL evil inside“. He asks: “Why would someone like you get these dreams?” which was what I had already tried to say, namely that I am still evil inside after all these years. However, there is a very similar question that may throw more light on the issue, as it were: Why NOW?

I remember a time in my life where these dreams were particularly common and intense. This was in my twenties, and it was a time when I was trying to become a better person, make progress and become holy. I may have a more realistic view now of just what an immense undertaking that is, even with divine intervention on one’s side. But I’ve still been somewhat active lately, reading books of the Truth and thinking about the Truth and to some extent writing about it as well. I have been concerned about blessing others, doing my work with the purpose of giving back love to the world and so on.

There is a saying: “The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.” In natural life this is a bit of an illusion, as the shadow is only darker in contrast. But psychologically, it is quite real. There are forces that are balanced to keep us in our place. This is perfectly natural: At the very least, it generally keeps us from going insane on a whim. Insanity, like sanctification, takes time and immense dedication and energy that already moves in that particular direction. You cannot just sit down and think, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to believe that I was from another planet and had awesome powers to help people” and the next day you start claiming to be Kal-El from Krypton. No, a lot of work happens underground before the madness breaks out, and we cannot expect it to go any faster upward than downward.

“Indeed, to the General Law someone who ‘moves’ looks like a fugitive from collective work, and nature takes immediate steps – a whole series of appropriate measures – to make the rebel fall back into line” writes Boris Mouravieff. And not much later, he says: “But here again, he must be particularly vigilant not to spend the reserve as fast as he accumulates it.” Recall Ryuho Okawa’s rule about the iceberg? At least 80% under the surface? I suspect I have fallen foul of this to some degree. And so when the shape of things to come start to rise up above the surface, a corresponding shift in the center of gravity moves below water. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction” as a better man than I said.

This is not something new to me. It happens with alarming regularity. Well, when I make any changes in my life at least. Looking at my bookshelf, there has been some very visible changes: Something like my own weight in fantasy books have been replaced with a modest number of spiritual books. If that were to reflect the status of my heart, things would get hairy indeed. It is not quite that dramatic, but I can see how it would trigger a re-balancing.

I have from the start – or so it seems to me – in this journal striven to draw my own picture in both light and dark colors, because this is the nature of a human and I am still one. I am relentlessly reminded of this whenever I begin to wonder a little, since I seem to have so little in common with each of you. A little here, a little there, but it all adds up. But it may be too little for any one to find much reason to linger. If you come to read about my Sims, chances are you shrink back in horror from both my religious psychology and my nightmares (or especially the nightmares I am in my dreams). Conversely, if you come here for your religious edification, you will no doubt take offense before the week is over. And so on it goes. But at least I try to be “fair and balanced”, as they say in America, about myself.