Holy love! I am not sure most people even believe holy love is possible, much less that it can and should exist in our world today. I believe… in theory. I even read books about it. I just don’t practice it myself.
I have for some time been reading a Catholic book, Fire Within by Fr. Thomas Dubay. I typically read it in the morning on the bus to work, and in the afternoon on my way home (unless I am too sleepy then). It is part hagiography, about the lives of the saints Teresa of Avila (also known as Teresa of Jesus, although that seems an extreme title to monopolize) and John of the Cross (likewise, although the competition here seems less fierce). But it is also, and mostly, an explanation of the teachings they lived and shared with others.
These saints are truly superheroes of religion, in the sense that their lives and teachings seem incomprehensible and impossible to the ordinary Christian. Their self-denial goes far beyond abstaining from even venial sin. They would neither eat nor drink unless it was solely for the glory of God and brought their mind closer to the Holy One. Basically all the worries of the ordinary mortal are entirely irrelevant to such a person, and unfortunately this also applies the other way around. They truly live in a different world.
Yet Fr. Dubay insists that this is not only possible, but the natural life of a Christian, and finds it truly saddening that any serious theist could think otherwise. Yes, he uses the word “theist” repeatedly, implying that in essence, this life would be the natural conclusion also for observant Jews, Muslims and even Hindus if they seriously believed in their gods. In contrast, he sharply differentiates it from the Eastern meditation practices: The purpose of emptying oneself of everything human is not to become empty, to cease to exist or cease to feel, but to become filled with God.
The author draws parallels to the Bible, both the Old Testament and the New, and to the lives of other saints, to show that the Saints Teresa and John were not outliers, but on the contrary expressed precisely the heart of the Christian religion, and it is everyone who thinks differently who has misunderstood. Now in all fairness, he does not exalt himself – pretty much the only reference to his person is the occasional mention of his experiences as a spiritual director – but there certainly isn’t much timidity either. While Fr. Dubay has not so far come right out and said “This is how I live my life as well”, that had better be the case or he will have something to worry about come his final life review. Of course, so have I. Oh yes, so have I.
Reading about the radical self-denial and heroic love of these saints, I recognize the lives of the saints who instructed me when I was young, in the Christian Church at Brunstad. I guess saints will be saints, even if they did not have all that much respect for the Catholic Church in general. (Unlike some sects, however, the Brunstad Church did not have a theory that people who belonged to other denominations were automatically bound for Hell. Rather the view was that other churches had a mixture of right and wrong teaching, and this made it hard for people to pick the good parts and leave out the bad, but it certainly could happen if they had the heart for it. Conversely if they didn’t, being in the Church would not save them.)
Anyway, back when I was young, I tried to understand all this but I couldn’t. I think that may be because I was driven mostly by fear of Hell rather than love of the Light. I understand it better now, but I wonder if I have the heart for it. It doesn’t look like it, when I look at my life. But as of the time of writing, I am not dead yet. Living completely for the Light does look more and more attractive as time passes, that’s true. But then it looked just plain scary from the start…
The irony is that most people can’t even see this. It is completely meaningless to them. It does not entice them and it doesn’t even scare them, because it is beyond their imagination. But it is not beyond mine. It is a kind of “reverse temptation”, if you can imagine that.
When I read about it now, it makes so much sense. It is even familiar, in a way. I already know the beginning of it. I have seen some of the continuation of it. But that which is far ahead, what I cannot see, sounds kind of creepy. Yet I wonder. Who I am now, is probably “creepy” to a lot of people already. To not need or want status, approval, even earthly love. To be undisturbed by the weather, the lack of promotions, the stupidity of random people, things that keep up the blood pressure of my peers. To have nearly forgotten loneliness, because of the inexplicable, undeserved Presence that is watching over me.
But that is all things the Light does for me, not I for the Light. When the time comes for me to make sacrifices, there isn’t much sign of fire within. It’s like a one-sided love, and I’m the one being loved by the Light. You can’t imagine how disturbing that image is. I have a hard time imagining it myself. It is like one of those comedy movies where a superstar falls in love with an average guy and he just doesn’t get it, no matter how far she goes. Except, well, this is a much more extreme difference in status.
Am I really this fireproof within?